....Giving Me a Purpose...

All deep things are song. It seems somehow the very central essence of us, song; as if all the rest were but wrappages and hulls!

~Thomas Carlyle

The first time I absolutely KNEW I wanted to be a singer...OK this is kinda weird but....was the first time I saw The Fifth Element. Here's why.

So if you've never seen the movie at like the middle of the movie Bruce Willis is watching this like alien lady sing. Her name is Diva Plavalaguna. OK so it sound so lame but, she was an amazing singer and I wanted to be just like her. ( just not blue)

I mean if you have a chance, go on you tube and type in her name, and listen to the song she sings. It's quite amazing....

Second is, a lot of people in my family expect me to fail. They don't believe I will make it as singer in the world. That what I am going for is stupid. I am not only doing this for me, but to show them that I AM going to be a singer, and I am going to make it.

I guess it's a lot to do with spiting them, but in the long run, it will pay off immensely for me. I would never do to anyone what they do to me. So in that respect I figure, if I just let it roll off my shoulders now, they'll be the one's looking all salty in the end..not me.

Another part of me wanting to be a singer, is watching sooo many horrid girls out there with no talent making it in the world. Like really are people tone def?? I wanted to be like "BAM" that's what singing sounds like to those who are like, " Oh she's so good", when in reality she sounds like a dying cat.

I guess those are minor reasons I have so much drive....the reason I am the person I am today as far as music goes is because of four men who stepped up to the plate and set me off...

Frank

Him and James were in my life at the same time but they both helped me in different ways.

Frank was my first boyfriend in high school and the first MAN I ever loved. I stress man for a reason but that's a whole nother story all on it's own. Frank opened me up to music and a style all his own. He was the only person in my life at the time who ever gave a shit enough about me to care. Like really care. No matter how much I pushed his love away because I was afraid of rejection (Which I regret doing) He was still there. He gave me a reason to love myself no matter how much self loathing I kept inside. He gave me reason's to write poetry and songs about love that James would help to pull out of me. Frank was and will always be my reason and foundation for everyone else who has to follow in his shoes.

James

This is the only way I can explain him: That which is striking and beautiful is not always good, but that which is good is always beautiful. He helped the music flow into me. He wasn't good for me by no means, but, he helped me use the music in me to wash away the dust and pain in my soul. He opened my life to some music. He showed me to be my own person and use music in my life to let go of all my pain. He was a beautiful disaster. Tyler opened me up to the rest and Chris gave me hope...

Tyler

...my Devil in disguise. Tyler...oh what to say about dear old Tyler. Well, for sake of good, he gave me my first real show. I sang with him in one of his shows and he introduced me to the world. He also introduced me to different genres of music. He was also beautiful. And other fully coming disaster waiting to happen. But I loved it all the same. He took me out of the gray areas and brought me into the white. ( see cause white is all spectrum's of color ) He taught me to be strong in music and never give up to the ideologies of society. Just as James did he taught me how to not conform.

For that I am deeply grateful. But, he also showed me pain i never thought existed. Oh yeah I lost James but Tyler, he gave me up to the world and poured salt into my open wound. In the process of his lack luster love, he unknowingly showed me how to be a poet in a musical sense. A dreadful musical sense, but still one none the less. I am a better song writer because of his careless love..or lack there of.

CHRIS

He took what Tyler left behind and gave me a reason to sing again. He took me out of the dirt, brushed off my knees, dried my eyes, and kissed my wounds. He helped me to see what at that time love could be. Even though I'm still not quite whole he knew what to say at times to help me write about what good things could come about in my life. And for that I am grateful.